Telling the Family
Up until now we had not told a lot of people about what was happening. Other a few people at both workplaces no one else knew.
After the Head and neck Clinic we decided that we were now in a better position to tell the kids and the rest of the immediate family.
T, M, and D, all knew about Herbert and over the week that I had been undergoing test asked a lot of "are you going to be alright" questions. On the Friday afternoon after the Head and Neck Clinic (16 January 2009) I rang T and asked her to come over home on Saturday about 11am with R as I had some news about my treatment for Herbert. M and D both wanted to know straight away but I held them off until the Saturday.
At 11am T and R arrived and I sat everybody down in the Lounge room to give them the news. I was well prepared with drawings, DVDs, explanatory booklets so that I, hopefully, could answer all their questions.
H helped out by asking the questions she thought the kids would ask and needed to be asked to fill in the gaps in my explanation. We spent probably an hour or two going over everything, watching the DVD about putting the PEG in and discussing any concerns.
I was then planning to ring my bothers (I have three all younger) and mother to tell them but decided against it on the weekend as my Mum lives alone and I thought she would need someone there with her when I told her. I live about four hours drive from where Mum lives
On Monday 19 January 2009 I rang the local Anglican parish priest in my Mums home town but he was unavailable (being based in a small country town he was elsewhere in the Parish) but the recorded message advised to ring one of two Parish Wardens. When I got onto one of them she declined any help as she didn’t want get involved as it wasn’t her job to comfort people. I then tried the local Uniting Church priest and he had a similar story, I know your Mother but I really don’t have the time to get involved. When I rang the Catholic padre his receptionist put me off asking help from this quarter.
I scoured the local phone directory online and found the listing for one of the Community groups I knew my mother was involved in, so I gave them a ring and the lady who answered said she would go and sit with mum when I gave her the news, but I had to give her 5 minutes to get there. When I rang Mum I asked if someone was there and she said yes, and what was my bad news (ah Mothers). She took the news pretty well and I was comforted to know that she was not alone if she worried.
I then proceeded to ring my brothers but they already knew – you see Mum had no sooner put the phone down from me than she was onto my youngest brother who then passed the news up the chain. I could never keep anything secret at home when I was growing up.
A point to remember you need to consider others when passing on this type of information. You need to try to soften it some how. I remember telling someone and them saying How come you are so calm about this; if it was me I would be going spare. The answer of course is that there is nothing i can do now about getting cancer. I am looking forward and not back
. I have gotten used to the idea ( I think) that this is just an opportunity to grow and move forward no matter the minior inconvience I will go throughI then passed the news onto a more general group at work and externally to my past military and work colleges. I have been astounded by the support shown by people I haven’t seen in years.
I must say at this point when you tell one ex-military person your news within minutes it is across the "old boys’ network".
I was getting e-mails from Dubai and France wishing me well, I was receiving support from people who knew people who had received the on forwarded e-mail. I was getting advice from previous cancer patients about best ways to handle each side effect, what worked for them and what didn’t. You never know how must support you have until something like this happens. H put it a good way when she said – "it like attending you own funeral and seeing who is there to support you"